Tired of dating the same type over and over again and wondering why it never works out? You’re not alone. Many people find themselves stuck in a loop, swiping right on profiles that reflect their own interests and aesthetics, only to end up disappointed.
That’s where a new dating trend called ‘contra-dating’ comes in, and it just might be the shake-up your love life needs. Contra-dating is all about intentionally stepping outside your dating comfort zone, by tweaking your app profile or real-life choices to attract people you wouldn’t normally consider.
Think of it as dating in reverse: if you’re into running and jazz music, say you love yoga and Indian classical music instead. It’s not about lying, but about giving yourself the chance to meet people you’d otherwise never cross paths with.
But can breaking out of your usual dating preferences help you build more meaningful or lasting relationships?
Counselling psychologist Athul Raj tells indianexpress.com, “Contra-dating, in its essence, invites you to step outside that pattern. This doesn’t mean throwing away everything you’re drawn to. It means asking whether those preferences are actually aligned with what brings you safety, calm, and meaning in a relationship–or just what keeps you chasing.”
In the Indian context, he adds, this takes on another layer. So much of who we date — or are allowed to date – is shaped by family, culture, class, even language. Sometimes, our “preferences” are just conditioning wearing nice clothes.
“So yes, breaking out of your dating patterns can be a deeply meaningful step. Not as a gimmick, but as a conscious act of emotional growth. When you approach someone outside your usual frame with genuine curiosity–not just romantic, but human–you begin to open new parts of yourself too,” Raj states.
Is it psychologically healthy to ‘fake’ or downplay certain interests just to attract a different kind of person?
Raj explains that there’s a difference between growing and performing. Between stretching who you are, and shape-shifting to be liked. “The second one doesn’t last–and it almost always leaves a quiet ache behind.” It’s completely human to want to be chosen. But when you start to adjust parts of yourself–hide the intensity, soften the opinion, edit the bio–you may gain attention, but you lose something more important: clarity. About what kind of connection actually fits you.
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“Contra-dating, if misunderstood, can make people feel like they should change in order to be loved differently. But real change in dating isn’t about who you attract, it’s about how you show up. And that requires honesty,” he shares.
Potential long-term benefits and drawbacks of using a strategy like contra-dating
Contra-dating, at its best, isn’t a trick, it’s a shift in posture. “One of the deeper benefits is how it stretches your capacity to listen to someone else’s experience, to your own discomfort, to what safety might actually feel like when it’s quiet and unshowy. That kind of growth often brings you closer to the kind of love that sustains, not just excites,” mentions Raj.
But like anything that touches identity, there are risks. Especially in a society like ours, where family, community, and belonging are so tightly woven into who you choose. “Dating outside your norm can bring up tension, not just externally — but inside you, too. And yet, when done with care — not as a rebellion, but as an honest inquiry — contra-dating can lead you home to yourself in unexpected ways,” explains the expert.
The real question isn’t: Will this lead to a relationship?
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It’s: Am I choosing this with awareness, with presence, and with respect for who I truly am–even if that person is still becoming?
